


Feathers

by acpaul19



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Flustered Lucifer, Lots of drinking, The devil walks into a bar..., feathers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 18:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18078713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acpaul19/pseuds/acpaul19
Summary: The devil walks into a bar...covered in feathers and burns. Umm...what?





	Feathers

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks, Fireloom! You're the best!   
> LuciferBingo Prompt: Feathers   
> I know I'm really original in my titles, right?

Joshua cleaned off the bar for the umpteenth time that evening. Being a Tuesday night in a small suburb of Los Angeles, there weren’t many people that frequented the small establishment. It was going to be a slow night. 

He did a quick glance at the couple cozied up in the corner and the one middle-aged man down at the end of the bar, as far away from the entrance as possible, nursing his fifth tequila on the rocks. All easy to profile, nothing interesting to discuss. Josh had been doing this a long time, pouring drinks while they poured their heart out to him. The couple in the corner was having an affair. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. He had a ring. She didn’t. The old man? Trying to drown himself in booze to prevent the memories or feelings or whatever from rearing its ugly head. Josh wasn’t in the mood for something so typical. Crossing his arms and leaning against the sink, he sighed. Anything would be more interesting than this shit show. 

As if on cue, the doors burst open. In sauntered a tall man, at least 6 foot 3, wearing the remnants of a decent looking suit, hair disheveled, a small cut on his lip, burn marks on his dress shirt, and...feathers flittering around him? 

The man plopped down on the nearest stool, ran his hand through his hair and waved Josh over. “Whiskey, neat, 3 fingers, top shelf.” 

Well, this could prove interesting. Josh reached for the highest bottle of Glen he could find. Setting a glass down with a clank, he poured the amber liquid and set the bottle next to the glass. 

Mr. Suit swigged the whole thing down in one gulp, like water. Meeting Josh’s eyes for the first time, he pointed down at the now empty glass. 

Josh smirked and refilled it, leaning on the bar. “So which is it?” 

“Pardon?” 

“Which is it? Women? Money? The law? What brings you here, of all places, tonight?” 

The man considered the question for a moment. “You could say that.” He took another swig of whiskey. 

“Where are you from? Certainly not around here with that accent.” 

The man gave a toothy grin. “Not here.” 

Josh realized it was going to take a little more to get anything out of this guy. He liked a challenge. “Almost sounds Irish.” 

“I do beg your pardon. This is Received Pronunciation thank you very much. It’s the standard accent spoken in the south of England.” The man picked up the bottle and refilled his own glass. 

“Well, excuse me,” Josh smirked. 

“And I’ll have you know, according to Buzzfeed, it’s one of the sexiest accents in the world. Right up there with Italian.” 

Josh laughed. “Where was American?” 

“It didn’t rank.” Another sip of whiskey. 

“So, which is it?” 

The man twirled his tumbler. “I don’t think you have the time.” 

Josh peered over the Mr. Suit’s head at the couple making out and the man with his head on the bar, drooling. “Because I’m so busy right now.” 

With a heavy sigh, Mr. Suit drained his third glass. “Well if you must know, it’s all of the above.” 

“Oh, do tell.” 

“It all started two days ago when The Detective caught another case.” 

“The Detective?” 

“Yes, do keep up. Am I going to have to repeat everything I say?” 

Josh held his hands up in defeat. “Sorry.” 

“She got a lead on a case. We’ve been tracking this guy for months. Known smuggler in the area, smuggles anything, from drugs to firearms, exotic animals to immigrants. He’s a suspect in a recent murder, and The Detective got a call that he was holed up in some mansion just up the road from here. We did all the leg work. We researched and staked out his house, pulled phone records, everything. And we were completely unprepared for what we found.” 

In for the long haul, Josh crossed his arms and listened. 

“We kicked in the door, must have known we were coming.” Mr. Suit grimaced a look of confusion. “If I didn’t see it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it! A herd of mountain goats attacked us!” 

Josh stilled. “Goats?” 

“Yes! You know large four-legged creatures with horns. Have a tendency of biting and ramming as an attack method!” 

“Ok…” 

“So we got passed the goats at the front door. The Detective fired her gun at the ground to scare them away. Mind, that’s how my trousers got bloody torn. Last time I wear my favorite suit to a house call. One of the damned creatures bit my arse!” The man pointed towards his hip. 

Josh tried to hold a straight face, he really did, and nodded for Mr. Suit to continue. 

“So the goats go running out the door. The Detective is yelling through the house, trying to find the suspect and right there in the main hall is an army of midgets holding flame throwers! It’s lucky I was fast enough to jump in front and throw The Detective down to the floor. They got my shirt! We could hear them giggling around the corner. I hopped up to follow them and she cleared the downstairs. Luckily Detective Douche was there to round up the little cretons.” 

Mr. Suit filled up his glass again. Josh was surprised the man could drink anymore. Half the bottle was gone already. 

“So we go out back and we find the suspect. He obviously knew we were following him because as The Detective yelled ‘Freeze’, he opened up the gates to a swath of ostriches! Ostriches! They attacked! The bloody oversized pigeons tried to run after The Detective and I had to distract them. One of them got me down to the ground and pecked at my head! I’ll have bloody welts for months.” 

Josh couldn’t hold his laughter in any longer. Either this guy had one hell of a job, or it was the best made up story he’d ever heard. 

“Yes, yes. Laugh it up. Sounds like the bloody circus is in town.” Mr. Suit drained the rest of his glass. 

“Lucifer!” 

Both men turned to the stern voice at the door. 

“What are you doing here? We have to get back to the precinct!” 

This must be The Detective. Josh noticed that she wasn’t nearly as disheveled as her partner sitting in front of him. A few feathers here and there, but mostly unharmed. Did she say Lucifer? 

“Alright, alright.” Mr. Suit stood up and fished a wad of money out of his pocket, plopping it on the bar counter. “Tell me, Detective, what is the precinct going to do about my suit?” 

The woman rolled her eyes and walked out of the bar, leaving Mr. Suit, Lucifer, to follow. “Detective!” He raced after her. “Detective!” 

Josh shook his head. If half of that story was true, he’d fill his pants with pudding. At least the night had gotten more interesting and he got a nice tip out of it. 


End file.
